Losing Him
by Aku no Hanabi
Summary: "Don't take away my brother! He's the only thing I have left!" That's what he shouted in desperation all those years ago, but this time, he has no control over the situation. And in the end, it hurts, more than anything in history, to be the best man at the wedding of the one person you love more than life itself.


Soundtrack to listen to while reading: www. (slash) watch?v=hGzvkySJKbM

Where did everything go wrong? What happened that caused this conflicting situation? How did this happen? Have I made so many mistakes, done so much wrong that the gate has just decided to punish me? What did I do? What did I do and how can I make it up? Is the only way to repent for my past is for me to stand by, to watch as he gazes at her so fondly while she walks down the aisle towards him? Her dress is so beautiful, her hairs done up elegantly; she's holding a bouquet of yellow roses in her hands. And he looks so happy, like the whole world is perfect.

What did I do and how can I make it go away? How can I fix this? _Is_ there any way to fix this? Is there any way to stop this without making her cry, without hurting him, without making me feel worthless for ruining my brother's wedding and his chance at finally being happy? I promised the next time I made Winry cry it would be tears of joy. I promised Alphonse I'd do anything to see him smile. I told him I'd conquer the world for him if he wanted me to, but he doesn't know that. I only told him in my dreams.

They're standing at the alter now, and mustang is starting the ceremony. He starts off with 'dearly beloved' but the rest is a blur. Winry is crying, but they are tears of joy. She's so happy to finally be married to Alphonse. He looks so happy, like his elation is indescribable. What did I do to make myself so miserable today? I should be happy for them, for them both, but I just want to run away. I want to run and hide and curl up in a dark hole and cry and scream and kill myself. I want it to stop. I'm losing him. I'm really losing my little brother, after everything we went through, I'm finally losing him.

Maybe my devotion is too one-sided. No, it _is_ to one sided. I'm _sick_. I'm horrible, I'm detestable, and I'm wretched for wanting to be in her place. I want to be the one standing opposite Alphonse, looking into his silvery-gold eyes lovingly, with a smile on my face and a warm feeling swelling in my chest.

Instead, I'm standing off to the side, his best man, left with nothing but a cold wind sweeping through my heart, jealousy wracking my brain and a fake, but convincing, smile on my face as I watch my brother bind himself to someone else, someone I thought I could trust.

Look at me, it's so sad. I'm letting my jealousy twist itself into hatred. I'm letting it ruin my relationship with the woman I consider my sister. But… I can't help it. I'm losing my baby brother, the only person I'd go to the ends of hell and back for, and did go to the ends of hell and back for. I wanted so much to restore him to his flesh, so much to right my wrong that I got a little ahead of myself.

He's my _brother_, and I'm not the one he's marrying. I'm his brother, I'm another man, and we're as close as two people can be while keeping their relationship platonic, or at least, he's keeping it platonic. I'm sick. I'm twisted for wanting to run my hands over him, to make him writhe and moan in pleasure, to be the one he loves unconditionally, to the one he wants to share the rest of his life with. Any normal brother would have taken it a bit easier, a bit slower, and taken more time to plan out such a venture as to restore his body. I just charged right in, desperately ramming my head at the problem over and over again until it gave, not caring for the consequences as long as he was restored to his body again. I was willing to die, and still, I'll do anything to see him happy, no matter the consequences.

That's why I smile and clap with everyone else when they both say 'I do', and grin when they kiss. That's why I give my speech at the reception, and toast them and dance with Winry and congratulate her. I tell her how pretty she looks, how lucky she is to be married off to a great man, and smile and deny everything when she asks what's wrong. Because on the surface, nothing's wrong.

I am Edward Elric.

I am overjoyed to see the two most precious people in my life married to each other.

I was my brother's best man at his wedding, and it did not leave behind a hole so deep in my heart, even light can't escape it.

I'll still be here, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now, living next door to them. I'll be there to soothe over arguments, to play with their kids, to watch as they grow old together and read stories to their grandchildren by the fire while it snows outside. I'll be standing by watching the person my life revolves around love someone else. And I'll take my dirty, forbidden love with me to the grave. Maybe, they'll stand next to my headstone one day and tell their grandchildren wonderful stories about me, or maybe they'll tell them nothing at all. It's always too easy to overlook the older brother, who never got married or fell in love or had kids, the one who never lived his own happy ending.

It's always too easy to forget everyone else when you're in love, even if that love is forbidden and looked down upon with disgust.

And it's never hurt more, in all of history, to be the best man at the wedding of the one you love more than life itself.

-:-

"Hey Edward." The blonde looked around from where he was leaning up against the buildings brick wall to find the bride looking at him curiously. Her hair was shining pale gold in the light from the lanterns adorning the outdoors, and the chilled dark night made her look almost ethereal in her white dress.

"Oh, hey, Winry. What's up? I thought you were dancing with havoc." She smiled.

"I stepped out for a bit, I was worried. You don't look well. Your face is pale." She stepped forward and ran her finger through Edwards bangs. He grinned at her.

"Don't worry about me, Winry. I'm just getting some air; I'm fine. It's your day, get back in there and have a great time." She nodded and went to go back into the ballroom where the reception was being held, turning back just before she went through the door.

"Are you sure you're okay Edward?"

"Why wouldn't I be? Go on." he shoed her in with a smile, even as he felt the jealous beast inside him roar and his heart break into smaller and smaller pieces, until nothing was left but dust.


End file.
